


Denial is absolutely just a river in Egypt, man, shut up

by addormio



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Catholic Guilt, M/M, Mac's denial of his sexuality, Religion, show-typical homophobia and transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 21:46:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9846989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addormio/pseuds/addormio
Summary: Mac isn’t gay, alright? He never has been, and he never will be. He’s straight. At least as straight as Charlie or Dennis. Probably more though, cuz Charlie shares a bed with Frank (which is pretty gay, right? Even if Frank might be Charlie’s dad) and Dennis is always talking about satisfying twank versatiles. Plus Dennis wears makeup, which is definitely gay. Mac doesn’t do any of that shit. Yup, clearly Mac is the straightest of them all.





	

Mac isn’t gay, alright? He never has been, and he never will be. He’s straight. At least as straight as Charlie or Dennis. Probably more though, cuz Charlie shares a bed with Frank (which is pretty gay, right? Even if Frank might be Charlie’s dad) and Dennis is always talking about satisfying twank versatiles. Plus Dennis wears makeup, which is definitely gay. Mac doesn’t do any of that shit. Yup, clearly Mac is the straightest of them all.

And okay, sure, sometimes he has some unholy thoughts about men, but who doesn’t? Whenever it happens he goes to church and he asks for forgiveness and the Lord grants it to him. Mac would go gay for Jesus, he thinks. But only for Jesus. He’s just always been there for Mac, you know? The only one Mac has been able to rely on throughout his life. Mac has had Charlie for as long as he can remember, but come on. Charlie isn’t exactly a wealth of wisdom and reassurances. 

Mac remembers being in high school and watching the other popular guys work out in the school’s weight room. Their muscles flexing and straining under their tanned skin, their shirtless bodies glimmering with the sweat from their exertion, and Mac would start to feel something. He’s get kind of hot all over, and his dick would swell up inside of his workout shorts, and he would think ‘shit, these guys are so tough they turn everyone on. No one is immune to their charms. They’re even turning me, a straight guy, on.’ That’s when Mac decided to get ripped, so he could make every girl he saw feel that way. And if some guys got turned on looking at him too, well, that was just fine by Mac. Because he wasn’t gay.

Of all the shiny, glimmering men in Mac’s high school weight room, Dennis Reynolds was the shiniest. Not because he was the sweatiest, or anything gross like that, but because he was a golden god, even by his own admission. His body was incredible, his face was chiseled and sharp. His hair left something to be desired but there could be no god above the Almighty God so Mac found this acceptable. 

Mac always wanted to be around Dennis. But since Mac wasn’t gay, he only wanted to be Dennis’ friend. Maybe get some workout tips. He certainly didn’t want to do anything gay like shower with Dennis and wash all that sweat off of his muscular body, or kiss him while Dennis jerks him off slowly under the stream of warm water, soap dripping down their bodies. Nope. Mac likes women, and vaginas, so he only wanted to be friends with Dennis. If only to make himself look better for the ladies. 

Anything that could be mistaken for attraction (by someone stupid) that Mac felt for Dennis went away soon after they moved in together. You can only share a bathroom with another man for so long without becoming disgusted by him. I mean, sure, there were still times when Mac’s sinful body betrayed him, but it was usually when he watched Dennis’ sex tapes and thought about how good Dennis looked naked, how strong and tough he was as he held girls down and had his way with them. Dennis was really manly, so forceful in his sexual encounters. Mac could never reach that level of intensity when having sex with a woman. He really needed to step up his game.

When Carmen first came into his life, Mac thought she was a gift from God. Does God allow this stuff? Was he gay for being attracted to her? No, he decided, no, it wasn’t gay because she looked like a beautiful woman except for her dick. Which was, like, definitely a problem for Mac. He couldn’t fuck someone with a dick. Where would he put his? Up her butt? He could try it. He wasn’t opposed to anal when it was with a woman. Even if there was another dick involved, it was still attached to a beautiful curvy woman with breasts. Which was definitely the part that Mac liked. The tits. And the curves. Not the dick. 

Mac loved his parents. Both of them. Even if he didn’t really know his dad, he knew he loved him. His mom may have been emotionally unavailable, but she still took care of him. He grew up fed and clothed, and he always got toys on Christmas, even if he’d later find out they weren’t meant for him. His parents may not have given him much, but they gave him God. They instilled good Catholic values in him. Praise God, repent for your sins, and don’t be gay. There was more, of course, but these are the ones that Mac focused on. They seemed the most relevant to his life. Not that he struggled with the last one or anything, it was just a good thing to remember. Don’t be gay or you’ll get kicked out. Disowned. You’ll have to live on the street and then you’ll have to be gay just to survive. Straight people don’t get disowned. Straight people are loved by their parents, and by God. 

Mac invited his cousin, Country Mac, to hang out with him and the gang for Mac Day 2013. Mac’s plan was to convert his cousin, to show him how tough he was so that Country Mac would repent his evil, homo ways and become more like Mac. Straight. This plan came close to backfiring, when the gang thought that Country Mac was tougher than City Mac (despite Country Mac being openly gay. I mean, what's wrong with Mac’s friends?!), but then Country Mac died suddenly. Mac figured God had seen Country Mac’s evil ways and taken him in front of the gang to make a point. Country Mac had been gay, and not sorry about it, and now he was dead. Mac saw the connection. Because Mac was straight. And Country Mac hadn’t been, so God had disowned him. But Mac was straight. 

Mac was so straight that when girls were blowing him and they slipped a finger or two into his ass, he actually liked it. Not, like, because it felt good or anything, but because the girl wanted to do it. It was always for the girls’ pleasure that he let them finger him, not for his own. He was so straight that sometimes when he was jerking off he couldn’t come without a finger in his ass. Because that’s what the girl did, and because she was a girl he liked it. It had nothing to do with the feeling of being filled, or the little sparks of pleasure when he brushed against that one spot. It was because he liked it when a girl did it to him, so it wasn’t gay. 

Mac loved getting blown by women. Maybe mouths were just a thing that Mac liked. He’d always prefered blowjobs to sex anyway. No chance of getting the girl pregnant, and it was guaranteed to be wet and tight. The girl couldn’t make those weird high-pitched moans that girls always do, cuz their mouths were otherwise occupied. He could just close his eyes, relax, and enjoy the feeling. Just a dick in a mouth. 

And what was up with the pens? Mac and Dennis’ apartment had so many pens laying around. It’s like the place was covered in dicks. Of course, Mac never thought about how dick-like a pen was until he had in it his mouth. And then he was like, ‘woah, that’s pretty gay. A dude with a pen in his mouth? Might as well be slurping down a dick right in broad daylight.’ So he’d spit out the pen in disgust. Most of the time. Sometimes he’d keep in it a bit longer, just to make sure it was gay. But it always was. 

God tested Mac’s heterosexuality fairly regularly. It usually came in the form of Dennis, if Mac was looking for a pattern to it. Dennis would try to get Mac involved in some scheme that Mac wasn’t into, and Mac wouldn’t be having any of it until Dennis got up real close in Mac’s personal space. He’d stare into Mac’s eyes, maybe cup Mac’s face with his big, strong hands, thumbs stroking over his bearded cheeks. And yeah, it turned Mac on a little. Dennis was a magnetic guy, he pulled you in regardless of your sexuality, you know? And yeah, sometimes Mac thought maybe this was the time that Dennis was going to actually kiss him. But he never did. Which was good, cuz Mac would have had to shove him off, and be like ‘dude, no. I’m not gay.’ But it would never happen anyway, so Mac didn’t really have to worry about how he’d respond. Not that he was worried about that. 

Sometimes the guys tried to suggest that he’s gay. Mac doesn’t appreciate that. If anyone’s gay it’s them. Mac has never had sex with a guy, ever. Can Dennis say the same? Mac doesn’t know. Mac shouldn’t think about that. About Dennis and another dude, touching each other, like… that. Gross. Wrong. Bad. And who even knows what happens in Charlie and Frank’s bed at night. No, Mac isn’t the gay one in the group. They don’t even need a gay one in their group. The statistic, which Mac definitely had to look up again to make sure it’s right, says that one in ten people is gay. The gang has five people in it, so technically they can all be straight without messing up the statistic. It would be hot if Dee was gay, though, cuz straight guys love watching two girls bang. Mac has personally watched it in real life, so he’s an expert on such things. Mac thinks, then, if someone in the group has to be gay it should be Dee. Not him. 

Mac looks in the mirror while he’s lifting weights at the gym and he loves what he sees. He sees a tough, muscle-bound straight man. He’s attractive, but in a way that would specifically attract girls. His tattoos send the message that you shouldn’t fuck with him, he’ll mess you up. He looks dangerous. He deserves his place as head of security at Paddy’s. I mean, look at him. One hit and you’d be on the ground. His mastery of karate is made clear by his muscles, concentration, balance, and generally tough attitude. He looks in the mirror at the guy next to him, just to see what his competition is like. Muscular, sure. Tall, definitely. Attractive, oh shit-

He quickly looks away. He starts on another set of reps. He looks himself in the eyes. Mac isn’t gay. Except that he is.


End file.
